Welcome to my Royal column. That’s what I say regularly at night to the wife. She hates that. The feeling is mutual.
Anyway, enough about me, I’m going to drink my daily bottle of London Gin while I talk to you about my favourite fetish, the British Royal Family, all of whom I have intimate relations with. Well, I report on them. Which is hard work. Its like, “here we go again, another plaque unveiling, or another royal baby has been dropped,” one day, and, “fuck me if its not another affair we cant report on because Prince fucking Duke of York or Wessex will sue us if we publish the awkward pictures,” sort of thing.
I was delighted to see my old drinking partner, Prince Charles, voted in as the next leader of the Commonwealth. His story, one of adversity and humble beginnings, is one that shows anyone can become what they want to be.
Charles, brought up in a council house, and who ran away to the Navy after he was given a boat, had no ambition beyond talking to plants. It’s a testament to his determination in later life that he has at last, toppled his mother from the position she has held most of her life in the unanimous decision made by despots, puppet Presidents and dodgy “Royalty” across the Empire.
Its all go.
369 years ago, the British abolished the Royal family. After a dreadful few months or so, the Royal Head was stuck back on (not literally, as the axe had fallen on his neck and lopped it off… metaphorically, as we found a new person to brighten up the pages of Ye Olde checkout magazines.)
How miserable we would all be if we didn’t have the Royal’s to brighten our lives here in Britain, and now hopefully soon in the new series of “Suits?” Megan Markle will no longer be worrying about who her next series affair is, as the spoilers are out. She is to marry the Prince with the wonderfully colourful Celtic hair colour. If you aren’t interested in all of that shit, and hate them, you are just a miserable old bastard who has no sense of decorum, or are a democrat or some stupid thing that has no place in Britain.
So, some of my favourite facts about the Windsors…
1. Prince Charles has got a huge collection of medals. These range from doing things like not sinking the unsinkable boat he was given by his mum’s pals to stay away from wars on during the seventies, and for adding capital letters to stuff what he wrote for the first time when he was in Year 6. He is also a General in the Army, an Admiral in the Navy (its nice he kept his navy career going , even when his only ambition was to be tampon for his now related wife) and he is a Chief Marshall in the RAF. His other medals are really those coins you buy for Queen’s Jubilees and Coronations and shit like that because he bravely attended those ceremonies.
2. The Queen chose Harold Macmillan over Rab Butler as Prime Minister in the 1950’s and then Alec Douglas Home over Butler in 1963. This was for two reasons. One she didn’t really like Butler and two, she thought the Tories actually really had put forward a real butler as a candidate, and those are really just for lifting the corgi poo from the carpet. She also chose to rid Australia of an elected representative, and Government, in the seventies. Such is her prerogative, and that’s what a Monarchy is for, so fuck you, right? Well, sometimes that is the attitude a leader needs to take.
3. The Royal Family are Britishness all in one family. They are us. We are them. Except they have big houses, yachts, the freedom to go wherever they want to without a passport and never have to spend money. And none of them are yet black, beige, catholic, muslim, jewish, or anything else that is supposed to be British. We all aspire to their clean living Protestantism. All religions and colours in Britain should. Being British is eating when the Queen eats and setting down your fork when she does. When I was last at a royal banquet, I made sure I got all my food (literally, when she stops eating, the plates are cleared!) as soon as she started eating, I belted that food into me. When it looked like she was stopping, I stuffed the roast potatoes and the meat they’d shot specially for the guests the week before with a fuck off big machine gun in their private shooting place in Scotland, into my pockets. I was the only one out of 200 people who managed to eat every bite, albeit eating the stuff in my pockets when fucking Prince someone or other was being verbally wanked over by some Masterbator of Ceremonies, or whatever his title was. Poor Nicolas Witchell only had half a starter, a nibble of grouse and a floret of broccoli. He’s a cunt anyway. And the Royals fucking hate him. Charles cant bear the awful man. Anyway, meals with the Queen sum up the class divide. The poor just aren’t that quick in grabbing stuff.
4. The Christmas message and her speech to Parliament. The Queen drafts her own speeches. While she does, she serves us the necessary bland platitudes and the hit with the poor – the usual, “I kind of love you, but don’t touch,” stuff. Then comes the hard hitting message she reads out from her chosen Tory Government, which shows she is no push over and wants to get that austerity out there. Its like, “I love you, you fucking trilobites, go beg in a food bank, I love my family and yours.” If you think the Queen is all about family around a Christmas tree, well fuck you. She can do politics like the rest of them and impose the bedroom tax on greedy poor people with too many rooms in their council houses, but loves them all the same, but don’t touch.
5. The Royal Houses, with all those lovely spare rooms to walk the dogs. Paid for by a grateful British people.
6. Our democracy. Without the Queen, we would not be able to compare our democracy with others like Saudi Arabia or Swaziland. We can do that and say how shit they are, as she kindly asks their despot leaders and Royals over for tea, and a right old Royal drink now and again, just so the Socialists and that lot can protest outside. That’s really considerate of her… because the people in Swaziland and Saudi Arabia would be put to death or something for doing those things in their own countries. Its protest by proxy. Expect Mr Assad for a banquet in the coming years, well, after he has completely crushed those who asked peacefully in 2011 for an election… and let’s see who on the left will protest that nice ophthalmologist. They certainly don’t want to do that at the moment, eh?
7. Equality. The Queen sees all her subjects as her equals. She regularly says in privy council meetings with her government, “I’m the top socialist in the country!” We can’t report that, so I’m going to add, “allegedly” to that previous statement, because it is illegal to report or talk about any of her opinions and of course, she is exempt from the Freedom of Information Legislation. She thinks everyone will eventually have the same dole money as her. But I can’t say that. So I won’t.
8. She strikes agreements with Parliament about her income. There is no longer a Civil List of those who get our money, she now gets a “Sovereign Support Grant,” which means she gets more money. Not her fault, of course… it’s just the way things worked out with her relatives, the Tories. She is allowed to choose how much tax she pays. Charlie’s Duchy company doesn’t pay corporation tax, because if it did, it would go bust. I mean, who would give that idiot anything to run with the same rules as the rest of us? The man, for all his wonderfulness and regality couldn’t grow cress without giving the seeds a fucking speech and relying on the Royal fucking arse wiper to water the bloody things.
9. The BBC. The BBC, and the ITV channels love to report on the Royal family, as it isn’t real work. Really, it isn’t, and a good Royal colour parade or sprog drop can help when we don’t want to shop on our tory friends for incompetency, scandal or thievery. Best of all is when they cark it at 120 years old – then the whole country seemingly comes to a halt. Well, so it seems if you aren’t in the know. All sorts of illegal shit goes down when a Royal Highness hits the floor.
10. They’ve stopped marrying their cousins to have children. They marry outside Royalty, have children, dump the spouse and go back to shagging each other once the bloodline has a few different strands of DNA.
Let’s hope she gets a new Royal Yacht.
So, I hope you absolutely loved this piece of important stuff about the Royals as much as I enjoyed my bottle of juniper. All stuff about the Royals is important. I mean, if you don’t like having a hereditary head of state, why the fuck are you in our country?
We are all British now.
Except those who thought they were.
Until next time, God Save Her and all the rest of the Royals across the world, except those from Royal families not related to and shagging each other and each other’s spouses.
The bottle has been drained. Get another one.