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Jackie Baillie, 5 gallons of chicken gravy and a straw

Willie Miller’s Moustache (Twitter:  @williemillersm1) has a plan to bring the progressive indy movement together…

Right you fucking idiots. Everyone who supports independence one straight line in front of me, GO!

Turn to your right. Kick that moron up the arse. Turn to your left, boot that pillock too. Now repeat, but with hugs not kicks. You fucking imbeciles.  

Thankfully I was busy for most of Thursday so when the Bute House Agreement was announced as over I thankfully only caught snippets of the self-indulgent petted-lip fuckwit tantrums from the Yes side that ensued. Similarly I only caught a non-lethal dose of the runaway thermonuclear gloating reactors from team Union.  But having now glanced at a few of the sizzlingiest of sizzling hot takes, I may have been better exposing myself to the full force of Jackie Baillie’s unmoderated glee meltdown and let nature take its course.  

Nutshell, we have made a cunt of ourselves here comrades. Not Westminster. Not the BBC. Not the fucking Tories. Not the Bill. Us.

And we must unfuck ourselves. Sharpish.

To be clear. I am not about to tell you your views and politics aside from indy are wrong or not important. They are important. You might be wrong or at least I might disagree with you, but that’s OK.  

Some of us, and I am pointing no fingers hare, need to accept that even if half of the four million eligible Scots agree on independence.We’re not all going to be pals. In fact it is a statistical certainty some of us will be arseholes. That’s just maths.

So of course we’re going to fall out and not agree, on many things. But that is ok.

One of the things that gets right on my thrupenny bits when discussing UK issues with rUK folks is being accused of being motivated solely by independence. You may have seen this appear during Brexit and Covid. That any variation of opinion or choice is simply about being different or difficult or obstructive to create either an argument for or pretext for independence. It’s facile, it’s offensive and incredibly condescending but it never seems to go out of fashion.  

The problem is, regardless of whether we want to get ourselves constitutionally to fuck or not, we do still actually live here.. So it would be “nice” if some of the decisions made about where we live weren’t fucking terrible.

So in Scotland, indy or not, the poor battered lunatics we elect, do still actually have to run the country (within the ever tightening cage of devolution). So they do have to think about climate change, justice, equality, health, transport and so on, with a responsibility to make choices and decisions as best they can. While simultaneously carrying the banner for independence, advancing our democratic right to choose in the face of a totally intransigent UK who have worked out the clever ploy of just saying “lol no, fuck off.” For which we are yet to find an answer.  

To be fair, if that was their only ploy, things would be better. You’d be mad to believe there hasn’t been a concerted multi-pronged and layered assault on independence, the Scottish Government, Devolution and anyone who dares to want to vote Yes. Or who dares to not simper and fawn at the latest banal and suspiciously tory-like utterance of the latest arsehole/cardboard cut-out cretin England are about to hand absolute power to.

So we really really really could do without kicking the fuck out of each other too. Couldn’t we?

I’m going to be a little bit critical now and in doing so reveal where I stand on some issues. I’m not claiming to be right, or infallible, but there are a few things that I think people need to think very very carefully about.  

Do you think a government who has Kemi fucking Badenoch as Minister for Women and Equalities is going to publish a credible report on trans people? Do you really? Did you know she and the UK government don’t think institutional racism exists?

Do you really think the SNP doesn’t want indy?

Do you really think they a First Minister who sacrificed salary increases for herself and her ministers year after year, stole a fucking campervan from Yes. A fucking campervan??

Do you think abolishing the 75% of whatever climate target which was declared impossible to achieve by the audit office and had to be abandoned, means ScotGov want the world to burn?  

Why do you think Big Eck is getting all the news coverage he can get when he couldn’t get the steam aff the medias pish less than a week ago?

You get the picture.  

So can we maybe consider that the presence or not of genitalia, the sanctity of bathrooms, the oil and gas industry not being fucked like coal and steel and manufacturing, the very real evidence that the weather is mental (isn’t it tho?), that we do need to take green issues seriously, that we do need fo reform trials and make justice for victims of sexual crimes more likely. Are all important but not worth handing what little agency and platform Yes has to the likes of Murdo Fraser, Alex Cole-Hamilton and Jackie Baillie. Because we couldn’t get over ourselves and behave.

Normally it’s the UK left that fragment and allow the fucking tories to breeze in forever with 35%ish of the vote. Traditionally only a properly charismatic leader with a singular vision can solve this. Starmers novel solution is to move so far to the right they’re on what was UKIPs lawn and eject everyone whose politics is to the left of George Osbourne. But I digress.  

As luck would have it, the brazen and incapable of caring a single toss evil fucking pricks in the Tory UK government just can’t stop being bastards.

So if the reports in the Guardian are true, the Home Office are planning to detain thousands of migrants, starting tomorrow, without warning and weeks ahead of when it might have been expected. All as a bit of performative fuckery ahead of the English local elections. As well as the little known fact that Tories can only achieve climax when causing immense human suffering or smelling the inside of an old ladies purse.  

With a week of petty, internecine and perilous ScotPol shenanigans scheduled. With the press and opposition, literally dribbling out of every orifice in excitement and Jackie Baillie looking as smug as that time she was left unattended with 5 gallons of chicken gravy and a straw. We have a chance to turn it round.

Focus on that which brings us together. Not what drives us apart. The hideous disgrace that is the UK Immigration system. The systematic persecution of those who turn to us for help. The indifference to suffering and the quiet, sleekit, cowardly complicity of the Labour party. Who yet again. When it matters, might as well just stand back and fucking well clap.

Kenmure street was a moment. A righteous, collective act in defiance of a power we reject, values we find abhorrent and a system we did not consent to. “If this is Team UK. We reject it!”

Quite so.  

If in their arrogance the UK present the pro-immigration, pro-human rights and anti-being a cunt just for the jollies people of Scotland the chance to come together and speak with one voice.. Then more fool them.  

Perhaps our MSPs might just follow suit.

In the maelstrom of Mondays self-indulgent madness, epic over-topping sewers of petty unionist smug and the endless procession of UK commentators offering up their views in the style of Kipling on a JockPol safari. We emerge, with the first western Muslim leader, one of the most vocal supporters of Palestinians and a decent and honorable guy taking the fall. Perhaps not undeservedly but be in no doubt the campaign for independence and the general desire for government by people who aren’t pricks, took a hit. A big hit and I hope we can coalesce around who is coming next.

For if we don’t we’re at very real risk of looking like Man United post Ferguson. Don’t even think about Aberdeen, I lived through Roy Aitken, Skovdahl and Patterson. And we’re not ready to be smuggled out in the boot of a BMW at halftime yet.  


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