Prick on the LibDems…
Prick’s recording of this piece HERE
“Look. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had manys a wheeze in my life. There was that time I snorted copious amounts of snow, drank three bottles of Volare Banana Liqueur, two litres of Don Julio 1942, a large glass of benzodiazepine (or two) and had just come out of a coma induced by smoking a bunch of dried bufo toads and then bungee jumped from the Lewiston-Queenston Bridge using a hose from a stolen fire-truck, whilst on the way to find a fucking grizzly to rip my aching head off my shoulders after my second divorce.
Or there was the time, for a wheeze (and after a dreadful weekend locked up after a brawl in the Colony Room initiated by Blue Peter presenter Tina Heath after Bonnie Langford rolled her eyes at her recital of the lost Homerian epic The Epigoni), I broke into Freddie Laker’s first jet with Lee Majors and after three hours of loop the loops over the Florida Keys, ditched it just off Havana; was held hostage by Fidel Castro in his pension in Santa Clara and refused to leave after a deal was struck with ABC as Majors was half way through the filming of the tricky third season of that Six Million Dollar whatsit. Castro allowed me to stay on a few extra months under the guise of a cultural exchange,when in reality I was running an old Bacardi distillery into the ground and smoking the best cigars a revolutionary socialist could puff on whilst living on distilled molasses.
Or there was the time the singer Tiffany and I were partying in Palma, Mallorca and she unwittingly uncovered a plot by a drugs cartel to bring down the Isle of Wight Council (don’t ask, Tiffany had a nose for those sorts of international crime syndicates). Her and I worked undercover, and pretty well considering the amount of cocaine we ingested, for nearly three years before we broke the bastards spirits. Tiffany was awarded a secret purple heart after falling ill when someone cut too much ground Olde English Hard Boiled Mints into her last batch. She still does the odd bit of espionage to this day, whilst Thatcher gave me a bottle of liebfraumilch, a box of Dairy Milk and three days in The Priory.
Those are three examples of things I had done I had never done before.
Three very dangerous things.
Three, amongst many incredibly exhilarating, stupid and empty fucking things I have done to make life interesting.
I’ll say this, though.
One stupidly idiotic and mad as a hatter after eating lead weights for a week thing I’ve never done before that I’d STILL fucking never ever do… and that’s voting for the zipwiring, jet skiing, bollock poxing, tories in a closet LIBERAL FUCKING DEMOCRATS. Cunts the lot.
What’s that Weatherall? You’ve made your postal vote for the Monster Raving Loonies? Well done sir. Anything is better than the tories or that insipid nothing Starmer… now pass the Jamieson, there’s a good fellow.”
