By Willie Miller’s Moustache
Regardless of who you vote for on Thursday, might I just take a moment to congratulate and commend you for doing so. Anyone who has been maintaining an even superficial interest in BritPol over the last few weeks and chosen not to emigrate, self-immolate, join or start some obscure and isolationist religious cult or simply cut off their hands, gouge out their eyes and block their ears with molten lead, deserves some level of praise. Or urgent psychiatric intervention.
Attempting to rationalise what has happened over the last month and half and avoiding being immediately and violently sick should you be fool enough to consider what is coming next. Would also be a feat worthy of praise.
As with the Fifth Labour of Heracles, the political landscape has been a seemingly endless number of horses arses spraying a similarly endless quantity of unadulterated shite everywhere. However unlike the Augean Stables of Greek Mythology diverting a river to cleanse the mountains of keech would not work here. Because this is Britain and our rivers are packed full of shite too.
Speaking of full of shite. Feargal Sharkey, rightly praised for his campaigning against the horrific pollution of Britain’s waterways and UK standard fucked-up-ed-ness of the English privatised utilities responsible. Came up to Jockoland to gladwank Anas Sarwar and one of the cardboard cut-out Labour in Scotland Westminster candidate drones. In doing so he made the utterly tedious if familiar mistake of knowing nothing at all about where he was but, he likes Labour, it’s the best they can do in the land of Jellied Eels and Brexit so that must be true here too.
This beyond everything else is what has typified the election for me. Standard, common or garden variety, mind-scrapingly banal and often ludicrously offensive, knowing fuck all about Scotland. But opinionating at volume as though they’re the fucking Haggis Whisperer, with a deep connection to those canny Scots because of one family holiday to Girvan in 1978. Making zero effort to educate themselves and caring not one single solitary fuck if the noise they are making bears any relation to reality.. Because we don’t matter. We don’t count. Our views are worthless. Our interests irrelevant and to the jobbing celeb, sycophantic pundit or leftish doon sooth campaigner. We’re just easy seats. A cheap ride.
This is of course true in Wales too.
Nothing demonstrates the contempt in which Labour and their press fluffers hold the devolved nations than the sordid Vaughn Gethins shenanigans in the Senedd. Which for the most part, has benefited from a blanket refusal from the media to discuss it. Or wonder if taking donations from criminals, firing whistleblowers and ignoring the parliament your supposed to lead is maybe a bad thing?
In response the awfully familiar brand of cretin in Welsh Labour said they were concentrating on helping to elect a Labour Westminster government, and not the Vote of No Confidence the weeks old First Minister just lost. The party of devolution declaring votes in the Senedd irrelevant, Welsh democracy disposable, and a very very very distant second to an election in the big parliament where things matter. Bah.
I’m equally sure this ActiveAnglo contempt is the case in Northern Ireland as well. However I have been struck by how little I have heard about the election over there. For what has been the locus, if not the priority for so much of the last decade of BritPol constitutional fuckery, the fuck all we’re hearing about the pumping the DUP are about to get is interesting.
But this off hand uncaring, vacuum of knowledge coupled with a supreme confidence to assert opinions is rife. There are so many examples. Decent policy wonks praising the LibDems for being “the only party with a humane approach to immigration” “the best remainers can hope for on Europe” and “refreshing to hear a major (English) politician mention carers.”
Now I have been a carer and Eds stuff on that has been highly commendable, in between the enormously irritating slapstick attention seeking. However all of the above applies to the SNP, in fact it has for longer that it has for the handmaidens of austerity and I do find it hard to forgive the lives ruined, the lives lost and the harm done to society as whole. In exchange for 5p on plastic bags and fucking up a golden opportunity for electoral reform.
Then there’s the ludicrous BBC presenter claiming “ “The osprey has been extinct as a breeding bird in Britain since the 1900s, but numbers have now started to grow in England and Wales.” When I distinctly remember seeing a breeding pair through a big pair of binoculars somewhere near Aviemore in 1984, before going to a discotheque at the fucking Osprey Centre. Then of course there’s the ruthless dishonesty of Labour and their acolytes decrying SNP austerity up here and Tory financial cruelty in Wales.
One of the leading PolitiPods did a pretty reasonable review of the last 14 years of English imposed tory government of horrors. It was at different times hilarious, enraging, traumatic but it was a decent segment. However, every character featured. Every event portrayed. Every decision taken. Was of, made by, located in or all about only one of the four nations and featured none of the rest. The referendum in 2014 didn’t even get a mention. The only notable British voices, the only comment worthy characters, calamities and opinions were English. And that will in my view never change. There’s no incentive for those beyond the Rio Tweed to know, care, learn or be involved in our affairs. Unless it is to their advantage down there. So vote Labour to GTTO all you want in England, good luck. But the idea we need to pull our weight and do our bit here with the 6, hopefully soon to be binned tories we have, and having not voted tory since 1955, is just offensive. To arithmetic and to Scots.
To end on a happier and more optimistic note. Functionally this here democratic exercise is a burrach. A potentially catastrophic shambles and while of course the chosen ones, the shiny new winners and their pom-pom wavers will care not one toss. There is likely to be good reason to question the credibility of a number of results in individual seats and question how robust the process is as a whole. Postal votes are a farce. Swathes of people were encouraged to register UK wide and the system has not coped. As is did not cope in the 2023 English local electrions when alarms were raised and sweet fuck all done.
Never mind that the SNP immediately objected to the election coinciding with the Scottish school holidays, meaning potentially thousands of Scots would be away from home and a system not much updated since Postman fucking Pat delivered ration books and conscription notices, would be unlikely to cope and get ballots delivered and returned on time. Nobody cared.
But, as luck would have it, at least one of the very worst of the remaining tory fuckers still standing for re-election may be in bother. Apparently Kemi Badenoch constituency has had a particular issue with the postal votes and what was relatively safe bet for the racist, evil, fuckfaced and hazardous to humanity handmaiden of Satan, is looking much more of a shoogly peg. Which is nice. So this is getting attention finally as is the possibility of lots of post polling litigation and general failed state type fucking around.
Additionally the fucking government bet on the date of the election they chose and through some as yet only fuzzily explained betting market divination Labour knew a week in advance too, had a head start and bought up tons of advertising space. I have a ludicrously long list of sins but gambling isn’t one of them so, for all I know, maybe this is what happened. Or, possibly one the major Labour donors from the gaming community tipped their hand so Fuckers A and Fuckers B knew when the election was going to be before anyone else.
The weather on the 4th is going to be shite. The tories have pissed off their core vote by pissing on DDay and having a catastrophic campaign to match their catastrophic term in office. Labour have abused and maligned several minority groups with pure UKIP immigration wank, abandoned trans people, celebrated being backed by the S*n, and on the eve of polling Keir has ruled out anything sensible on the EU for the rest of his life. So their turnout is likely to be down a bit too.
There is also a decent chance that the tories are going to take such a kicking they’ll be in 3rd, their old austerity enabling pals the LibDems the Opposition and Ed “Doing All Activities The Poor Kids Didn’t Get To Do Because The Government He Was In Slashed Public Spending” Davey, the Leader of the Opposition.
Great news! Say many. And to be fair it would be funny and there is nobody on earth that want’s to see the maximum possible humiliation and diminution of these condescending public school bastards (takes one to know one) that have fucked so much, so hard, for so many, for nothing but their own personal gain and I strongly suspect, sexually gratification.
But if the last 14 years and 6 weeks of unrelenting horror hasn’t been enough, picture this. Labour in government, drunk as lords on a ludicrous majority. PMQs now resembles two kittens licking each other in the style of the hyper-nauseating Ian Murray and Alister Jack mutual masturbation sessions at what was Scottish Questions. Sir Lindsay Hoyle back in the chair, and in Starmers back pocket doing precisely what the loyalist Starmtruppen whips office tell him to do. Mainly fucking over the minor opposition parties, I expect, including the well fucked and tattered remnants of the tory party and whatever the SNP still have left in the game.
Then there’s that megacunt Farage that both Tory and Labour arseholery and an atheism affirming paucity of lightning strikes, falling pianos or state security intervention will probably gift him a win in Clacton. From that moment on “winning Clacton” will be a euphemism for contracting one of a range of fungal skin diseases or falling pregnant from a reckless one night stand Ayrshire. Sentencing you to a loveless family life, in-laws straight out of Deliverance and a child with the second worst accent in Scotland.
Thus placing the obvious threat to global stability and human evolution in prime position, particularly if Badenoch is out of the picture, to perform a coup on the Tory husk. Scream his populist cuntfunded poison about being unfairly silenced in parliament or there being forrins in government and nobody inspecting genitals outside of toilets. While not unreasonably, in this scenario, claiming the right and “common sense views” have been marginalised in British politics. The woke liberal elite are silencing the voice of ordinary decent racists and because of all the reasons above, that the 2024 election result is unsound and is the work of the deep state or trans badgers or something.
Whatever. This is the ideal breeding ground for a serious challenge from a populist right wing reincarnation of the Tory party, up against a Labour leader with the charisma of a hole-punch, the policy platform of George Osbourne, the spine of an inflatable unicorn floatation device for the under 5’s and a track record of standing up to pressure from the right that…. Well it isn’t fuckihg great lads, is it?
On that note. Enjoy the democracy show tomorrow, if you haven’t already please go out and vote, as it may be one of the last times you get to.
Despite my conspicuous if rational dislike of Starmers “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Conservatism” reimagining of what was once The Labour party. It will still be fun watching those tory fuckers getting emptied and I’ll join anyone in this nonsense country who will be raising a glass and giving it GIRFUY’s to that.
